Dr. Ebony’s Quick Guide to Healthy Communication
Communication clashes can occur in any type of relationship: family, friend, partner, colleague, etc. However, they don’t have to result in wars or signal the end of the relationship. Clashes are also not a reason to have a who can be pettier competition or employ the most popular shut down tactic of the silent treatment. Now, I recognize that some people thrive on arguments and see it as indicative of fighting for the relationship, but if you are like me and prefer peace over chaos here are my tips to healthy communication that support healthy relationships.
1. Who you yellin’ at: Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you say but how you say it?” Well there is actually some truth to that. Studies have found that most arguments are due to tone of voice and not content of the message. Thus, a raised voice can be perceived as threatening, which literally means the other party can’t hear you because you are too loud. Being mindful of voice tone and level not only reduces the potential for an argument, but it provides a better opportunity for your message to be heard. However, sometimes it feels good to get that fire out, and I get that. Just ask yourself, is me feeling good in this moment worth risking the relationship? Then, make your choice.
2. Who you talkin’ to: Growing up I would often hear my mother say, “everything ain’t for everybody.” This message applies here. People communicate and receive communication in different ways, which demonstrates the importance of relationship building. Learning each other includes being mindful of communication styles. I remember attempting to be playful with my mother and her response being, “I ain’t one of your little friends,” which simply meant she had a standard of communication that likely differed from my friendships. Therefore, it is important that before I enter into discussion, particularly if there is a potential for disagreement, it is helpful to recall the other party’s communication style. This level of mindfulness is often received as respect, which is almost always a good thing.
3. What you thinkin? Never mind I’m a just guess: In my practice, I have worked with, and continue to work with a lot of couples. Mind-reading almost always plays a role in relationship breakdowns. For example, one person will make a decision, based off of what they thought the other person was thinking. I have witnessed a person build a wall of resentment toward their partner based on their own thoughts and not the other person’s behavior. Mind-reading is a dangerous thing. To avoid this mistake, simply ask the hard questions and disclose the hard facts. All relationships are partnerships, and it is unfair to make decisions that impact both parties on your own.
4. Say what you tryna say: Have you ever had a conversation with someone and it seemed like they either never got to the point or took 30 minutes to say what could have been said in two? Yea, I’ve been there too. As you can imagine, that is annoying as hell. Not only am I annoyed, now I’m physically tired and emotionally drained from trying to figure out the issue. To avoid frustration – on both parts- stop dancing around the subject. Be clear, be concise, be direct. It is important to not leave any room for confusion and to avoid omitting pertinent information. Again, relationships are partnerships. Thus, it is only fair that both parties have all the information.
5. Bless your heart and all your parts: Approaching disagreements, conflict, or general conversation from a place of love or kindness (or both) is recommended. This may not always be possible, given some folks’ general attitude and demeanor. However, the only thing we can control is ourselves. Remember the saying, “don’t cut of your nose to spite your face?” That simply means, avoid missing opportunities or achieving big wins, simply because you made a decision in the moment that felt good or were seeking revenge. Always, keep in mind the bigger goal because that can help guide those small decisions.
I encourage you to use these strategies and let me know how they worked out for you. If all else fails, feel free to bash mister head open and think about healthy communication later!(did you say that in your Miss Sophia voice?) (just kidding) On a serious note, you deserve to be heard, and these tips can help.